Is ‘masculinity’ behind male loneliness and substance use disorders?
Men who adhere to traditional masculinity norms are more likely to be lonely, experts say — and at risk of struggling with addiction
From Alexandra Keeler
To a casual observer, Alex Reimer may seem to have it all.
The professional photographer is prominent in Calgary’s music and arts scene. He has a large social media following and is a regular presence at concerts and community events, where his outgoing demeanour makes him a familiar face.
But behind the scenes, Reimer is lonely. He says he struggles to form and maintain close friendships with other men, leaving him feeling isolated and alone.
“I have a mask that I can put on, and I can be gregarious,” said Reimer. “[But] I feel like people don’t want to hear about my life.”
Canadian Affairs is not using Reimer’s real name, due to his concerns about the professional repercussions of being named in this story.
Reimer battles with addiction to various substances, which he attributes to his deep loneliness.
“[Using drugs] is really about either offsetting or supporting where the loneliness is taking you, or the barriers [put] in place by the loneliness,” he said.
Experts in men’s mental health say male loneliness is a significant risk factor in substance use disorders. They say men who are expected to adhere to traditional masculinity norms are particularly prone to experiencing loneliness and turning to substances to cope.
For Reimer, alcohol is his primary coping mechanism. But he also uses drugs — cannabis, psilocybin, amphetamines and benzodiazepines — depending on his needs at any given time.
Sometimes, drugs are a good substitute for social interaction. “I’ll take more than my [prescribed] dose [of amphetamines] to try to activate myself … to have that energy to be social,” he said.
Other times, they are a way to cope with his loneliness. “I’ll use [benzodiazepines] when I’m feeling overwhelmed and just want to go to sleep.”
Predictor of poor health
Don McCreary, a psychologist and men’s health consultant, says traditional masculinity norms reinforce that it is un-masculine to express emotions, and that certain types of activities are manly and acceptable, while others are not.
“If you didn’t meet in the bar [after your shift], then you were perceived as an outsider,” he said.
These masculinity norms can lead men to feel isolated, he says, which can trigger substance use and other health issues.
“Loneliness is a predictor of poor health,” he said.
Men are two to three times more likely than women to develop a substance use disorder. And they accounted for more than 70 per cent of the nearly 2,000 opioid toxicity deaths that occurred in Canada between January and March of this year.
Men also commit suicide at nearly three times the rate of women. According to the Mental Health Commission of Canada, one in four deaths by suicide involved alcohol. Substance use disorder is the second most common risk factor for suicidal behavior, after depression.
Brian Janes, a psychotherapist in Stoney Creek, Ont., works with male clients individually and in groups. He says men often struggle to be vulnerable with one another.
He recalled an incident in a men’s group where one man exhibiting all the signs of loneliness introduced himself. When Janes suggested he might be feeling lonely and could reach out to a friend, the group dismissed it.
“The whole group just laughed at this idea — this preposterous idea — of a man sharing with another man that he’s feeling lonely,” he said.
“My measurement for success in those groups is that if two guys become friends … I’m thrilled.”
Reimer agrees that many men struggle to connect on a deeper level. In his experience, many default to discussing “surface-level things,” like sports or women’s looks.
“That’s how men are raised,” Reimer said. “They’re like, ‘Oh, I want to be one of the guys, so I’m going to talk about sports and swimsuit models’.”
But Reimer had a different upbringing. He was raised by a single mother, for whom he has a deep respect. Witnessing her being mistreated by men “shaped my worldview,” he said. “We’re in a patriarchy and I feel like I recognized that at a young age.”
‘Playing the victim’
Another traditional masculinity norm is that men should not seek help, says Line Ouellet, a psychotherapist at CRIPHASE, a Montreal non-profit that works with men who have experienced sexual abuse.
“Men usually wait a long time before … calling for help because of the male stereotype [that says] they’re not supposed to get help,” she said.
This is something Reimer has experienced firsthand. After being physically abused by a former female partner, he found it hard to seek support.
“I didn’t even have the language to talk about it because I was scared that labeling her as an abuser would make me seem misogynistic or like I was playing the victim,” he said.
McCreary, the Toronto psychologist, agrees that men often struggle to express vulnerability or seek help — until a crisis occurs.
Untreated substance use disorder can lead to physical health issues such as liver disease, heart problems and diabetes. It can also create or exacerbate mental health problems, such as depression and anxiety.
While loneliness can foster substance use, it can also compound it, says Janes, the psychotherapist. Shame and secrecy distance men from their support networks. “They either feel ashamed or embarrassed, or they’re going to be judged, or they don’t want to give it up,” he said.
“No one gets the full story of how much you’re drinking for real.”
‘Shoulder-to-shoulder’
To address a problem like loneliness, you need to “look at the root causes, which are societal,” says McCreary. Workplace policies and societal norms, for example, can penalize non-conformity with traditional gender norms.
He also supports community-building initiatives like Men’s Sheds, where men bond through “shoulder-to-shoulder” activities like woodworking.
Janes, in Stoney Creek, also sees fostering connection as critical. He facilitates men’s groups and connects new clients with past clients who are doing well. And he refers men to the ManKind Project, a non-profit that runs programs and support groups to help men express themselves authentically and build communities.
Canada could also benefit from a policy-level investment in loneliness, sources said.
If Canada were to do so, it would not be the first. The UK and Japan both have loneliness ministries. And last year, the US Surgeon General released a report calling for a national strategy to tackle loneliness.
Reimer believes finding a supportive community could help him address his substance use and its underlying causes. He recently joined an organization that helps men coming out of abusive relationships. Though still in the intake process, he is optimistic.
“Without dialogue and without being able to address the harm — in a way that isn’t harmful itself — we won’t change how men act, out of resentment toward women, disrespect towards women, each other, or society as a whole.”
This article was produced through the Breaking Needles Fellowship Program, which provided a grant to Canadian Affairs, a digital media outlet, to fund journalism exploring addiction and crime in Canada. Articles produced through the Fellowship are co-published by Break The Needle and Canadian Affairs.
Editor’s Note: Due to a misunderstanding regarding sourcing, this article has been updated to use a pseudonym for Alex Reimer. An earlier version of this article also said Don McCreary is co-chair of the Toronto Men’s Health Network, when he is in fact a former co-chair of the organization. The Toronto chapter of the Men’s Health Network no longer exists.
Maybe the problem is that society and the media demonize men and male behaviour, terming it 'toxic masculinity' if men behave in normal masculine ways.
Too often men are blamed for whatever is or is perceived to be wrong in the world, with other groups playing being the 'victim' instead of being self-responsible for their own behaviour.
Maybe a change in attitide and perception by society and the media towards men would help.
Instead of demonizing and smearing men, support men and recognize that men and male behaviour are behind the major advances in the society.
This is so interesting because the 2021 point in time reports on homelessness in Canadian municipalities showed the majority were addicted straight white males. Some sort of tokenism? Marginalized it seems, but how and why? We need more data and deeper knowledge so we can help people find a way out of their addicted homelessness and into a life of healing and purpose.